Word vomit

June 19, 2010

I am a jealous person. This has already been established.

But when it involves art, it’s different. Yes, I’m jealous of everyone who can do anything art related better than I, which in my mind, is just about everyone(especially at school). However, it gets worse because the more I think about it, the more it feels like not only won’t I get better or get to their level, but I don’t even deserve to be on the same level as them.

These people do art daily. Every day, they sit down and work for hours, and churn out beautiful, funny, amazing pieces of art. And they love it. They love everything about the creating process, and even though it gets hard or it doesn’t come as easily sometimes, it always comes.

And for some reason, I feel like I just can’t do that. I’ve always chalked it up to laziness, but what if I just don’t have the motivation I need to survive in such a hard, fickle world of professional art?

I do love art, I love it more than anything else. I want nothing more than to create comics, funny, dramatic, what have you, that I want people to read and feel the love as much as I feel for my own storylines and the characters that live in my head. But somewhere along the line, I lose that spark. I can’t just sit down every day and pump out a comic page. I can’t keep my attention long enough. I get started, and get so discouraged when it doesn’t come out the way I envision it that I scrap it before I can even really give it a chance.

That scares me.

I want to create a webcomic, along the lines of my favorites (Girls with Slingshots, Questionable Content, Jenny Haniver).  But the men and women who write and draw these comics are so focused, so wonderful, so funny and clever that I can’t help but feel like it’s all impossible. Life gets in the way and I just drop off the face of the planet.

Do I want success because it would be fulfilling, or just because I want the small amount of fame it would bring? Is the reason I can’t get started because I want instant gratification? Am I really that selfish and fickle?

I know I have to work for it to succeed, but for some reason, it hasn’t clicked.

I hope it does soon.



May 28, 2010

I was going to start writing real blog posts with relevancy and tact.

I guess I’m abandoning that idea.

Can someone please just inject vodka into my eyes or drug me with happy pills or anything that would make me stop drowning in self-hate/pity please. Please.


May 19, 2010

Scott gets back in two days


Is the name of the parakeet we’ve recently adopted into our home.

He literally dive-bombed our yard and we assume he’s a stray.

He’s a bit tweaky but heyyy he’ll warm up right right right


Yeah fuck this

May 14, 2010

I don’t know why I try

Hate: job, life, self


May 13, 2010

Oh weggers.
Yesterday: 8.5 hour shirt, rode my bike there.
Today: 5 hour shift, biking there and back

It’s not that bad, I guess. Just mind numbing. And frustrating.

And some doofus fucker asked if I was single yesterday. Okay, indie-looking college dude and friend, your witty banter is funny, but your game is weak as hell. The gallon jug of soup you’re buying doesn’t exactly make me wanna jump your bones.


May 12, 2010

Working for Wegmans again today! AUGH! AUGH? AUGH

I wish

May 10, 2010

I am a jealous person. And I hate it.

I get jealous about everything and anything. I get jealous of things no one should care about. Or things that could hurt me, harm me, etc. But if someone has it, I want it.

I hate it.

Home again

May 4, 2010

This is so strange. I’m back at home.
I am happy to be back. I am.

But I also miss my SVA crew. To like, a positively retarded degree, already.

And Scott’s not home. Which always kinda just hurts and sucks when I am back.

I just have a lot of working ahead of me. And no wandering outside and being in the middle of it all. No Union Square visits, no tourists, no parties, no cursing and yelling and complaining about our homework.
No more months-long sleepovers with some of the coolest people I’ve ever met.

I miss NYC.

Thx 4 th mmrs

May 1, 2010

I’m not sad yet. I feel kinda headachey and shakey and I think I’m pretending I’m just cleaning my room really well.